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21 Traps You Need to Avoid in Dating & Relationships

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My goal is to spare you as much hurtful feelings as possible. Although I’m a man myself, I hate the way some men make women feel. These are the men you should avoid, and I’ll discuss them as we discuss the various traps in dating. Once you’re aware of the different relationship snares, you’ll be able to avoid them altogether. You’ll no longer set yourself up for bad relationships.

The red line in this book is that you shouldn’t adapt. You shouldn’t change who you are for any man; you shouldn’t try to please. You should, instead, know what you’re worth, know what you deserve, and be willing to walk away when the guy in your life doesn’t measure up. Being willing to walk away will make you a lot more attractive to the man in your life, and that’s only the tip of the iceberg.

21 Traps You Need to Avoid in Dating & Relationships

21 Traps You Need to Avoid in Dating & Relationships

Before we get started, ask yourself two simple questions:

1. On a scale from 1 to 10, what’s the level of importance you gave yourself in your last dating

relationships?

2. What’s the level of importance you gave him?

Please, really take a minute to think about your answers before you continue reading.

The minute you make a man more important than yourself, your relationship is headed for trouble. Men have builtin radars for this. They all want a woman who has the confidence to know her worth. They want someone who knows her attention, her love, needs to be earned. Men want to earn a women’s affection; they want to chase her, work hard to get her, and then, very importantly, work hard to keep her.

Will you allow yourself to be chased?

Women who go in the opposite direction often stay with men who are not ready to commit and hope it will change in the future. They try to adapt and please their man, doing whatever it takes to make him happy. That’s a mistake. Your happiness is more important. You deserve it.

As you read through this book, you might think: “I’m not stupid! Some of what you write is too obvious. This is just advice for low-value or totally unattractive women.” It will be very normal for you to think that, but it’s dead wrong.

You should see the women I coach. They’re successful, attractive, have their stuff together. Their love lives, however, often look like a jungle with a hidden minefield. Unknowingly, they step on these mines and wind up hurt, single, and thoroughly confused. It doesn’t matter what you look like, how smart you are, or how successful you are. All women will make at least some of the mistakes this book discusses. Some might be stepping into these traps without even realizing it.

In the following pages, you’ll learn all twenty-one traps and pitfalls of relationships that most women fall for. I’ll show you how to avoid these snares and how to have a more fulfilling love life.


Trap One: Giving Away Your Power

Sarah, one of my clients, met Mark at a company party. Mark seemed really interested in her since he was the one who walked up to her -- albeit a bit nervous -- introduced himself, and eventually asked for her phone number.

She was open to meeting new men but was tentative, proceeding with caution when a new man entered into her life. Since she had a past filled with bad relationships with cheaters and commit-phobic men, Sarah decided to take things slow. Although her professional life looked great, she couldn’t help but wonder why all of her friends managed to be in seemingly happy relationships. As she saw a steady stream of happy pictures on social media, she started to feel unhappy about her own achievements in her love life. Shouldn’t she be in a serious relationship by now? She was thirty-five, after all.

Mark was special. He couldn’t be compared to the other men she had dated. One date was most often all it took for Sarah to feel disconnected from her date. The men she met all wanted sex, had no ambition or still lived with their mother; most were pretentious, narcissistic, and tried to buy her love with money. Mark, on the other hand, was really authentic, open, and honest.

His schedule, however, was pretty packed. Sarah felt as if she had to compete with his work, colleagues, friends, and so many other things since the beginning of their relationship. Even setting up that first date felt like booking an appointment with the president.

Whenever they were together, it was magical. Whenever they were apart, Sarah wondered when they would meet again. She tried to ask him out for a date as well, but he was always too busy to find an opening in his agenda. They met up at least once per week, but it always went the same way. Mark would call her up and ask: “Hey, can I come over tonight? We can have dinner first at [insert fancy restaurant] and then go over to your place.”

These same-day dates became the norm. Whenever they made plans in advance, Mark often had to cancel them when something else came up. This continued for months before Sarah came to see me. She was living in a twilight zone and was slowly but surely losing herself.

Although Sarah is a very smart woman, it didn’t surprise me that she had stepped into an important trap: she had given away her power. She was no longer in control. Instead, Mark led the relationship; he held all the cards. Sarah was simply at his whim, agreeing to go on a date whenever he called and never protesting when he had to cancel. He decided where the relationship was going and at what speed.

Reactive Mode

By slipping into reactive mode, Sarah gave away her power and let him take the lead 100% of the time. This is a trap commonly found with busy, successful, or A-type personality men.

Men love to chase after a woman and it’s best to let him take those first steps. This doesn’t mean you should go through the motions in a relationship. You will be dissatisfied and unhappy in the end if you let the man always lead, regardless of the circumstances. Feelings of helplessness -- the feeling that you cannot control the outcome no matter what you do -- are very harmful to your emotional well-being.

Take charge. Taking control isn’t about acting needy or coming across as insecure, so here’s what I asked Sarah to do. Whenever Mark called and asked her out on a same-day date, Sarah was supposed to decline by saying, “Sorry, tonight won’t be a good time. I already have other plans.” And then I asked her to be silent and wait.

This is crucial. If Sarah had elaborated or become uncomfortable during the moment of silence, it would have lowered her value. It was important for her not to come across as someone seeking his permission or someone who was feeling guilty. That would hand him the power.

This served another goal as well. By telling him that she had plans, Mark could now wonder, “What’s she up to? What’s more important than me? I’ll need to up my game and give her more of my time and presence.”

This strategy was not based on a hunch, I’ve been coaching women since 2008 and have seen this work countless times. Men always value what they have to work for.

Sarah had been consistently lowering her value by always adapting and being available whenever Mark called. She gave up her power. When Sarah said “no,” Mark could react in multiple ways. He might have asked for an explanation or made a big deal about her continuing to say, “I’m busy” whenever he called for a last-minute date (thus presuming she would be free, or worse, would adapt her schedule to fit with his).

If Mark gave her any trouble, I asked Sarah to say, “You know, Mark, you must have me mistaken for a woman who doesn’t have a life of her own, who’s just waiting for you to call in order to see you. I’d love to see you, but I’ve got a full life too, so you’ll need to give me a longer heads up. How about next Tuesday?”

I was happy that Sarah had contacted me before this relationship was going south, which they always do when a woman gives away her power. She was able to turn things around, avoid the other traps I’ll talk about in this book, and is still in a happy relationship with Mark as of this writing. He’s still very busy, but he never takes her for granted and continues to treat her with respect, gives her affection, and gladly includes her as a top priority in his full agenda.

Your love life is an important aspect of your life, and you should not give that power away. Ever. As you’ll learn later in this book, it remains important to allow the man to chase you first. You’ll often hear me say men are supposed to do the chasing, and that remains crucial. Allowing him to chase you doesn’t mean you need to hand over the steering wheel. When you don’t give away your power, you’ll simultaneously allow and force him to chase you more.

Never adapt to a man who doesn’t adapt to you. Never change plans for a man who doesn’t change his plans for you. Please know that many smart women fall into this trap because they are blinded by love. They prefer to get a very small piece of him instead of getting nothing at all. That seems logical, but any woman who’s prepared to sit by the sidelines will be perceived as low value, especially by high-value men like Mark.

Trap Two: Failing an Important Test

Have you ever seen or heard about the marshmallow test? Psychologist Walter Mischel from Stanford University conducted the marshmallow experiment in the late 1960s.

The setup of the experiment was simple. A child between the ages of 7 and 9 was sitting at a table in a room with no distractions at all. Someone would put a marshmallow (or a cookie) on the table in front of him or her. The child is then told if the cookie remains uneaten while the researcher leaves the room for about 15 minutes, the child will get two marshmallows or cookies when the researcher returns.

As the researcher (often a woman) left, the scene that unfolded was often funny. Some children would go through great lengths to prevent themselves from eating the marshmallow. Some covered their eyes; others hid the marshmallow, and others played with it to keep busy. Some succumbed after a couple of minutes and ate the marshmallows; while some, of course, ate it as soon as the researcher had left.

This was an important test about delayed gratification and emotional intelligence. Some children clearly went for instant gratification while others tried to use their limited amounts of self-control to get more gratification later when the amount of cookies would be doubled.

These children have then been followed throughout their lives, and it quickly became clear that those who could muster up the courage and emotional intelligence to wait for the researcher to return got further ahead in life. This was true in all areas of their lives: financially, romantically, professionally, etc.

Some people were born with a strong self-control muscle; others had to train themselves and consciously weigh the future consequences of every decision in order to pick the best one. Self-control, as you will see throughout this book, will be one of your assets with the biggest impact on the quality of your love life and romantic relationships.

It’s simple. Going for instant gratification rarely provides great long-term results. That’s pretty obvious when it comes to deciding whether you’ll eat fast food versus a wholesome fresh meal. It’s even more logical when we think about the financial decisions we make in life. But we rarely think about our love life when it comes to instant gratification. Most people believe their love life is the one area of life where they need to just be themselves, where they can indulge themselves.

This advice is passed on at a young age; “Just be yourself” is a phrase many mothers and fathers say to their children when they are facing the challenges of love and first relationships.

Contrary to popular belief, this is not the best advice we can get in relationships. Hardly any part of our lives can give us more emotions -- both good and bad -- than our love lives.

Our ability to not immediately act upon those emotions will be crucial if we want to have a healthy relationship.

When we act upon feelings of anger, jealousy, or neediness, we become weaker in the relationship.

When you go for instant gratification in a relationship and just follow your heart and emotions, it will feel like you have control in the short term. In the long term, however, you will be destroying the very relationship you try to protect. Think of the woman who feels jealous when she sees another woman flirt with her boyfriend and acts upon that feeling by getting mad. Had she waited a couple of minutes longer, her boyfriend would have politely turned down the other woman.

Not using self-control in a romantic relationship will create a whole range of issues and problems. Firstly, you might create negative moments, fights, jealous outbursts and more where it was not needed. Secondly, you are essentially giving away your power to the other person. When you always act upon your emotions, you are showing other people how to manipulate you. The tactic is simple; they evoke an emotion and you will act upon it. If they want you to become more interested in them, they make you jealous. If they want to string you along and calm you down, they simply have to show some love and give some attention or promise you that he will change. Handing away this type of control over you can be very dangerous when you meet a manipulative man.

Here’s how this will work. When a man finds out how to change your emotions, he has gained control over you.

Emotions are a woman’s Achilles heel, so to speak. It’s how manipulative men control the actions of their partner.

Here are some examples:

1. Lying to you

2. Switching from hot to cold to play with your heart

3. Playing hard to get

4. Giving you a false sense of security

5. Trying to dictate your time and actions

6. Promising that he will change when he darn well knows he has no intention to

Most bad men will push you into a reactive state. So they’ll do something, say something, or avoid doing something to get a specific reaction from you.

Think about this. Every time a man made you do something you later regretted, more often than not it’s because you reacted to a manipulative strategy he just deployed. You followed your emotions instead of using your head.

Enter emotional intelligence. Emotional intelligence, simply put, is the power to look beyond your emotions and see the long-term consequences of the action you want to take and decide if that’s where you really want to be heading. Being emotionally intelligent means not following your feelings or instincts and taking the time to get some altitude, have an honest look at what’s happening, and then deciding what action you want to take. It’s never about simply reacting or immediately trusting and following your gut or your heart.

You might already be very good at this. If this is nevertheless still challenging to you and your emotions rule your actions more than you would like, then it’s time to practice your self-control muscles. At first, you will not be able to control your emotions. They are instinct-like reactions programmed to pop up. That’s fine, because we can still decide how we react to them.

I personally have had to learn how to use self-control while I drive when I was still a young 24-year-old. Being a pretty laid-back guy outside of my car, I became a monster, a true narcissist, when I was driving. I thought I owned the road and whenever someone else did something to deliberately block me, slow me down, or even just annoy me by driving too close behind me on the freeway, my heart would start to pound faster. My face would turn red, and I would go into full-attack mode. It must have been a silly sight.

It took me a while before it dawned on me what a fool I was making of myself. And not just that, but I was giving those other people too much power over my emotions. I gave them permission to raise my heart rate, to drive like a fool, and get angry. I gave them control over me, and that’s the last thing these people deserved.

The same scenario happens in relationships. During the many years I’ve been coaching women, I’ve had super intelligent women as clients; successful women who would still hand away their power to men who where just playing games with them. Men who didn’t deserve to get that power. These men pulled their strings by being disrespectful and using manipulative techniques to string those women along.

This happens rather quickly. First you’ll feel an emotion, a gut-level reaction, an instinctive urge. This is the part we cannot really control. This is where the child smells and sees the marshmallow and thinks, “Gosh, that little thingy will taste SOOOO good when I eat it!” This is where a guy does anything or fails to do something that, as a result, gives you a negative or a positive emotion. And that’s where we’ll need to make a split-second decision and decide to simulate what action from our part will have the best long-term consequences.

Take a couple of seconds to step back and analyze what’s really best for you, regardless of what your urge, your emotions, or your instincts are telling you. You can and will dramatically change your future and the quality of your finances, relationships, career, and more.

Both negative and positive emotions need your attention. Some needy women fall into the positive emotion trap. They meet a guy they like, he asks them out, and when they get engulfed by positive emotions of love, happiness, and bliss they move ahead full force, turn around the roles, and start chasing the guy with all they have...only to come across as super needy.

Whenever you feel a strong urge or emotion in a relationship, it’s useful to take a step back, look at what’s happening, and then decide what’s best for you in the long term.

It turns out there are ways to step on the brake and go in another direction once we have felt an initial emotion. This is where your self-control enters the game. Getting better at applying a healthy dose of self-control has given both my clients and myself a lot of success in every area of our lives. You will, however, need to actually train it, like a muscle.

Self-control will greatly increase your powers over men. In any relationship, he or she who controls their emotions the best has the power and the lead.

Self-control is hard. Resisting an urge uses a lot of brainpower of which we only have a limited supply every day. And yet self-control is the secret of many who became successful in life. Self-control is about inhibition; it’s stopping a thought or an emotional response and choosing a different path.

Here’s a great visual example. It’s the “Stroop” test as scientists call it. Please read the color of the text below out loud. Don’t read the actual word, but say the color of the text.

Black

Gray

Gray

Black

Did you get in trouble?

Most people do, as of the third word. It says, “gray,” but the font color is black. Your mind has the urge, the tendency, to simply read the word instead of saying the color. That’s the easiest path, the path of least resistance.

For you to say “black” takes extra energy, since the color was black and not gray. It’s as if you’re mentally driving in a certain direction and then need to decide to hit the brakes, turn around, and go in a different direction. This is exactly what happens when you feel an emotion (jealousy, neediness, anxiety), an urge, and decide to take a different path. It’s not easy, but that’s OK.

I won’t go into the technical details, but our ability to inhibit a thought, an emotion, and so on is found in the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex of the brain. The prefrontal cortex in the front of the brain uses a lot of energy.

Practicing self-control and managing your emotions are hard tasks. It uses up energy, and we only have a set amount of energy we can use every day.

This can be pretty challenging when you’re in a relationship with a man who makes you insecure, causes you to worry, and gives you a variety of emotions, both good and bad.

The trick to do this successfully is in the timing. The farther you went down a specific path, the harder it will get to change course. You’ll need to act fast when the unwanted emotion arises. Dr. Jeffrey M. Schwartz studied this and calls it the “free won’t.” Instead of our free will, he says, we have a free won’t, the option to choose not to follow the path, the emotion, the thought.

Whenever you feel a negative emotion like sadness, anger, anxiety, and so on, don’t follow the urge or your instincts. Don’t act on it yet. Take a step back, analyze what’s going on, and decide how you should act to get the best long-term results. Simply saying, “No, I’m not going to get carried away by this” does wonders.

This will help with unwanted emotions in relationships, and it will reinforce you with unwanted emotions and distractions in every part of your life. Please try to apply it and test it out for yourself. You’ll be surprised of the possibilities.

Resist the urgency you’ll feel. Continue to focus on the long-term benefits and decide to no longer go for the quick fix. You might have tried going for the instant gratification before, and it probably didn’t get you what you wanted, needed, or deserved. It’s not worth it. Getting two marshmallows is always better than one; it’s worth using up some of our self-control energy to get more of what we want later.

Trap Three: Beauty Isn’t Everything

In the movie Alfie, Jude Law says, “For every beautiful woman out there, there’s a man who’s tired of bleeping her.” That struck a chord with me. The first time I heard it I thought, “How rude and disrespectful to women!”

But as I dug a little bit deeper, I started to see more and more proof of his statement. We get used to anything and everything that surrounds us, everything that’s easy to get, that’s omnipresent. When you live in the mountains and love the sea, a beach visit makes you feel all happy and tingly inside. Should you then move to the beach and wake up with a beach view every single morning, that breathtaking view will no longer take your breath away. You won’t dislike it, but it will feel normal and no longer special.

Are there aspects of your life that were once really special but now you consider normal? They no longer make your heart pound a little faster when you see it or experience it? These can be material items like a new phone or a sexy dress or it can be experiences like eating out in a restaurant or going to a specific holiday location or hotel. If you keep frequenting the same holiday location, you’ll probably still like it, but it won’t make you vibrate with happiness like it did the first time.

Alfie exaggerated a bit in his quote. I’m not sure we get tired of beauty or anything we once found valuable, but it surely won’t be enough to make us keep us coming back for more, especially not when other “new” experiences keep knocking on our door.

I see women make a huge mistake when it comes to beauty. Gorgeous women believe their beauty is their biggest strength when it comes to men, dating, and relationships. They believe they have what men want the most. Not so beautiful women think they’re doomed. They don’t believe they’ll get a good-looking and successful man because he can get better. Both types of women couldn’t be more wrong. They base their theory on the wrong premise.

Before I dig into what smart men, real catches, think about beauty, let’s look at an interesting Internet phenomenon concerning this subject. A beautiful woman many years ago posted this post on Craigslist, a classified ads site:

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25-year-old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a businessman who makes around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

–Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specific bars, restaurants, gyms.

–What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings.

–Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

–Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain Jane’ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

– Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge-fund guys hang out?

–How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kinds of guys if I wasn’t able to match them in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

As you know by now, it’s never my goal to insult you. I know you would never think of posting something this silly! Yet I’ve met my fair share of super pretty women who have this exact mindset. And it’s just wrong, really wrong.

A rich banker gave her a rather poignant response:

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament.

Firstly, I’m not wasting your time. I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is, I make more than $500K per year. That said, here’s how I see it. Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the BS, what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party, and I bring my money.

Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income will increase, but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms, you are a depreciating asset, and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain. You’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35, stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy, and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation. With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.”

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

When I read this the first time, I couldn’t stop laughing. Both people had clearly never experienced real love or any form of meaningful relationship. Love is not a transaction. His response was, however, spot on.

Beauty is a depreciating asset. Women who put all their eggs in that basket are playing a game they can only lose.

I know you’re smarter than that, and I’m in no way implying you’re playing that game, but I need to restate it: beauty is overrated. Beauty and looks matter, but only for the so-called physical attraction test.

The Physical Attraction Test

In the hierarchy of needs and importance, looks matter more to men than they do to most women. Still, their value is overrated.

The physical attraction test occurs the first moment a guy looks at you and scans your body and face. This only takes him a short while to decide if you’re a clear pass (or not). Women do this as well, of course. But men take it one step further.

A man cannot have sex with a woman and cannot feel attracted to a women when she doesn’t pass the physical attraction test. No Viagra in the world can help him when he doesn’t find her attractive. He can be friends but nothing more.

When asked, most women will claim looks are important to them as well. Women can, however, still develop feelings for a guy they already know, who didn’t pass the attraction test at first. I’ve met many women who only fell for a man after having known him for quite a while. Some even found that same guy unattractive at first, so he clearly did not pass the physical attraction test at that time.

Men cannot ignore the physical attraction test. They can and will only develop feelings for a woman who passes his physical attraction test. This is, in most cases, nothing you should ever worry about as a woman. When a guy flirts with you, dates you, kisses you, sleeps with you, and so on, you have clearly passed his physical attraction test. He would otherwise not spend that kind of time with you.

Your looks get your foot in the door, so to speak. That’s all. Your personality, the way you feel about yourself, the way you make him feel, and so on will define whether he will stay and commit or not.

A man will initially be attracted to your looks, but it’s your personality that can make him addicted to you. It’s who you are on the inside that counts in the long term.

I’ve seen many examples of men who stayed madly in love with their woman, even though her looks were fading with age. No surgery was necessary since that man had fallen in love with her soul. The good news is this doesn’t take years; it only takes a couple of months.

Sadly, many women often overlook this fact. They focus way too much on their physical appearance. If you want a guy to stick around, you’ll need much more than looks. He needs to love your personality and your soul -- who you truly are on the inside. This might sound difficult; how on earth do you make him fall in love with your soul?

I’ll give you the answers throughout this book. Stepping into any of the traps to avoid would prevent him from seeing your actual soul, let alone fall in love with it. When a woman plays games, plays hard to get, is afraid to show her true self to him he cannot look pass her looks.

In my private coaching practice, I’ve met a lot of women who lost their guy to a “young and beautiful woman.” These women often complained about men being superficial, since they were just traded in for a prettier and often younger version. And sure, that’s exactly what it looks like on the surface. The reality, however, is often different.

When I then start to coach these women and dig a little deeper, I often uncover what’s really going on. Jessica was a great example of this.

Jessica, 43, woke up one morning only to find her estranged husband wanting to talk. He wanted to start the divorce procedure since things were not working out between them. John, her husband, moved in with his younger and prettier girlfriend less than two months later.

When she came to see me, she quickly exclaimed, “He traded me in for a younger and prettier version.” Although that does indeed seem to be the case, there was more going on.

It turned out Jessica had transformed herself from the high-value woman she once was into a low-value slave who did everything she could to please John, so he wouldn’t run away with another woman. She had created a selffulfilling prophecy. When I asked her why she had pushed her own life and needs aside to please John, she told me, “Honestly, I think I did it because I was getting older, didn’t like what I was seeing in the mirror, and wanted to make up for it by adapting to John’s wishes, both real and implied.”

That was a big mistake. As I dug deeper and deeper into what had happened the last couple of years, the truth started to unravel. Jessica, once a woman full of self esteem with hobbies, friends, a great career, a passion for long walks in nature with her dog and taking care of her body by working out and eating well had made a U-turn to morph herself into a much less attractive version of herself. She slowly started to make everything in her life about him. She had given up on her hobbies, stopped taking care of her body and mind, tried to please John by doing all of his laundry, cooking for him, taking care of him while she had her own career to look at for as well. This U-turn was initiated by the fear of losing him. And that’s exactly what happened because of the changes she had made.

She failed to see that she had been losing her own self-respect. And the old adage always rings true: other people cannot respect you more than you respect yourself.

Love conquers a lot, but it cannot conquer this. A man who’s madly in love with a woman will start to lose respect, attraction, and feelings for his girlfriend or wife when she doesn’t love herself. This luckily is a slow process, but it always happens. I’ve seen it in action countless times.

Jessica thought John’s leaving was linked to her decline in looks that came with age, whereas it was the changes in her personality that made him leave. I’ve seen Jessica and can confirm she was still a very good-looking woman. She had created the problem entirely in her own mind, because she followed her negative thoughts and gave them way too much importance.

She was focusing too much on her looks. Since she was an attractive woman when they met, she mistakenly believed this was one of the primary factors that made John stick around.

It’s possible that you’re thinking, “Look at the facts. He did leave her for a prettier woman, didn’t he?” Yes, he did. But as I talked to Jessica, I saw there were clues in the relationship that were a clear proof of his declining interest in her. Those moments always happened when Jessica changed.

One weekend, while John was making plans with his male friends to hang out, Jessica had complained that he was leaving her alone. “What am I supposed to do when you are gone?” she said. “I want to have fun too. Please stay here.” This was not only needy behavior, but John clearly responded, “Baby, you’re right. I don’t understand why you gave up on your piano lessons and most of your other hobbies. You used to have so many activities that made you happy, whereas now it seems like you only have me to make you happy.” That was a spot-on analysis from John. This was not the only red flag, of course, but most of them pointed in this direction. John was starting to feel the pressure and even though they had been in a long-term relationship, she was strangling him slowly but surely and thus raising his fear to stay committed...to her.

Jessica had become needy; she had made John her one and only priority, her only source of happiness. And that’s always a big mistake. This started to suffocate John; it took the fun out of the relationship, made him feel guilty when he wanted to spend time with his friends, and so on. That change in her personality was what pushed him away, not her decline in looks.

If men only care about looks, why then do we see so many normal-looking women with great and good-looking guys who could get better if we solely based us on the looks department? Why do we see happy older couples where the guy didn’t trade in his wife for a younger model? I know 70-year-old couples who still flirt like teenagers.

It’s because those women have magnetic personalities, because they know how to keep him walking on his toes and how to make him put in a continuous effort not to lose her! They are the high-value women who will never make their lives revolve solely around their man. They know they have more to offer than just their looks.

So in a way, this is the curse of the beautiful woman. As soon as her beauty starts to fade, she starts to lose her selfesteem and her personality. She thinks she’s losing her value and all that she has to offer.

Things changed for Jessica the minute she started to worry about losing John. That’s when the switch happened and when she started to adapt. Until that point, John had been doing his best not to lose her. And that’s the position you should always put your guy in. At all times. Your guy should always feel lucky to be with you and at least fear the possibility that you might leave him some day. I’ll teach you how to get into that position throughout this book.

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What you will learn in this book:

Trap One: Giving Away Your Power
Trap Two: Failing an Important Test
Trap Three: Beauty Isn’t Everything

Trap Four: Going Against the Grain

Trap Five: How a Guy falls for You

Trap Six: Your Most Important Bargaining Chip

Trap Seven: Not behaving or feeling like a high value woman

Trap Eight: Opposites Attract

Trap Nine: “The One”

Trap Ten: The Wrong Man

Trap Eleven: The MANipulator

Trap Twelve: Say “No” to Nagging

Trap Thirteen: A Subject to Avoid

Trap Fourteen: Actions over Words

Trap Fifteen: Jealousy

Trap Sixteen: The Ex

Trap Seventeen: Your Looks

Trap Eighteen: The Overlapping Circles

Trap Nineteen: Underestimating His Friends’ Impact

Trap Twenty: The Contract, Part I

Trap Twenty One: The Contract, Part II


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